Alright bellenders.
Cookie here. That’s right. Captain James Cook. Explorer extraordinaire, absolutely mint map maker and top shagger. I’m here to sift through all the flotsam and jetsam and let you lot know the crack about Everton v Boro at the weekend. Why me? Well ‘cos I know my footy that’s why – and I’m a massive blue. But as I was born in Middlesbrough I have a unique take on this one so listen up. I might be asking questions later. And if anybody calls me a wool they’ll get decked. If you’ll pardon the pun.
Anyway, enough of all that shite – we’ve had a few battles over the years with Boro. The FA Cup odyssey in the 80s went on longer than my voyage to find the theoretical land of Terra Australis – and involved a lot more scruffy malnourished people with vitamin deficiencies. But the most memorable Everton-Boro game for me came almost two decades later. It was the last knockings of the season and the game, as Juninho combined nicely with Brian Deane to round off a 2-0 win for the visitors. The Gwladys was lonelier than the Pacific pole of inaccessibility that day but the lads around me had clocked my accent a nautical mile away and I barely got out of there alive. If I hadn’t been berating Mark Hughes all game I wouldn’t have appeared on their navigational sextants – but he was so sh*t I just couldn’t help myself. I’d rather take my chances with a bunch of 18th century savages I was pillaging than go through that again, so I won’t be going to this game. And if anybody calls me a sh*t fan for that, they’ll get decked. If you’ll pardon the pun.
Now I know some Everton fans think the Boro are a pretty rubbish club. Second division redshite and all that. Yeah, I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it all. There’s nothing I haven’t heard mate. But they’re a good club with a good chairman and are very important and active in the local community. They also have one of the highest proportions of locally born season ticket holders in Britain and have set up numerous schemes to help young people in some of the most deprived areas of the country. So they play in red. So what? If anybody calls me a kopite for liking the Boro then they’ll get decked. If you’ll pardon the pun.
Now, scousers and Teessiders aren’t that different. Both the product of once thriving port areas, both left to rot by successive Conservative governments and both suffered the loss of huge industries that were once the lifeblood of the area and its people. Teesside has just recently lost the last dregs of its steel industry of course, so let’s show a bit of togetherness and a bit of empathy for the common man eh? It’s all Greek to me like all this steel industry stuff. In my day if we wanted a vital natural resource we just set sail and then took it from brown people. Can’t do that now of course. All this political correctness you young ‘uns have now. Political correctness where I come from was being white middle class and shooting endangered species for sh*ts and giggles. Still, I can put myself in the position of some of these poor lads and lasses who have lost their livelihoods and had the heart of their communities ripped out over the last two generations, so let’s just be nice eh? And if anyone is going to call me a bleeding heart gobsh*te for that then they’ll get decked. If you’ll pardon the pun.
Anyway, now you lot have screwed the loaf let’s get onto the game. Both teams have made a bright start to the season. Boro will come here well organised and looking to keep it tight and possibly nick a 1-0. We’ll be wise to them though. Ronnie Koeman has got us shipshape and Bristol fashion – and now we’ve finally managed to jib Suedehead Brownshoes off to the blasted Belgians we’re a tough nut to crack again. This one will be tight but we have a trump card in our deck. If you’ll pardon the pun.
Step forward Ross Barkley. He’s beginning to shine now he’s finally learning from someone who knows the ropes and could actually play the game once upon a time. This lad has it all – and with Man-Head Allardyce leaving him out of the England team he has more time to learn from a master. I haven’t seen this much opportunity for personal gain since I landed on the Hawaiian islands and managed to blag the local wretches I was god and shit. All the young lad has to do is avoid kidnapping a king and getting his head stoved in on a beach thousands of miles from home and he’ll be able to fill his boots to the gunwales. And he’ll be there to deck the Boro. If you’ll pardon the pun.
So get ready blues, this one’s going to be a stormer. With fair weather and the wind at our backs we’ll sail to a 2-0 win – with Ross getting one and setting up another by ejaculating a beautiful cross onto the ship’s biscuit forehead of Romelu Lukaku. Time to batten down the hatches. We’re dropping anchor in the top four this season lads and lasses. Champions League ahoy!
If you fancy a bit of a flutter on this one, why not look take a look at some brilliant odds on That’s a Goal
Next week in Cookie’s Corner: Step aside Jurgen. Why Oliver Cromwell would be the perfect manager for the Redsh*te.
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